My Breastfeeding Journey

It’s wasn’t easy.

The first picture is my first time breastfeeding in public after a long journey of horror.

I had seen so many woman during my pregnancy just taking out the boob latching the baby on and that was it. Easy.

Well my journey there wasn’t all that easy.

After I gave birth to my child I felt like I was stuck in a nightmare. (Second picture was taking a few days after birth)

My boobs swole up from a cup A to D. I had a overproduction of milk (this might sound great for any woman having gone through to little milk but let me tell you it’s not all that great either)

I spend my first 2 month mostly in bed with an on going mastitis, so fever, pain in the boobs, switching between cabbage, quark, cold patches, heat patches... I slowly started to become an expert after the 10th one in knowing what to do right away.

With my boobs so big and firm my baby had trouble latching on properly and would constantly choke which would mean having to latch her on again.

At this moment you realize you have to few arms to hold the baby, the baby’s fragile head, the boob, the baby’s arms with their sharp fingernails that seem to always be in the way.

Then with the bad latch my nipples started to get cracks and wounds. They where bleeding. Until I had no Nipple left (if you don’t believe me I can send you a picture). I couldn’t wear a T-shirt not even to mention a bra. So I was topless and could only attend visitor who I would feel comfortable to be so exposed.

At night my baby actually slept for a few hours through but I would wake up trying to express milk out as they would feel like they will explode any second. Which turns out that it’s not as simple as one might assume.

I would start crying once she woke up of the terror having to breastfeed again. I was scared to have my baby on me as then she would want to be fed again. I was scared of my baby. I was scared and lost.

Once the painful feed was over and the new milk came shooting in it felt like 1000 needles going through my boobs and there was me crying again.

I was ashamed of myself, for not managing to do the most basic mammal thing that as far as I knew then, your just supposed to get it. I felt like I failed. It made me doubt my mother skills.

When I would feed her from one side the other boob would just flow and flow and flow. I changed sheets almost everyday, my sofa was full of milk, my car was full of milk, my freezer was full of milk, everything smelled and had stains of milk.

I stared getting seriously depressed and psychotic.

I wanted it so bad, I had read all the good things about breastfeeding and I just wanted to get it.

When ever someone would just mention that we could just get formula for a few nights so the wound could heal I would go mental. I didn’t want anyone offering me a different solution to breastfeeding I just wanted someone to help me. I had a few people but with all their respect they where useless.

Until I met my angel, I call her my angel as she was in that moment.

I remember after month of trying, pain, misery I agreed with the dad that this will be the last try and if she can’t help then that’s it, I would stop.

We saw her and she saw me. She hugged me, with such a big warm hug as tho she understands it all. She understands the pain, she also understands my wish and so she said let me help you.

She took my baby and placed her on me.

My chest would automatically move back when she came closer with that little mouth that had left nothing just open bleeding nipples. So she sat me right back so I couldn’t escape and latched her on. She asked if it hurts and I said “no she is not sucking” and she looked at me with a smile and said “yes she is”

It wasn’t magic after that, I need to learn how to do it myself, I needed to stop fearing to get her close, I needed to readjust her if I felt pain. But after a few month continuously feeding my nipples where able to heal. She also told me about the cups (I can tell you more) which where great as I could finally wear a shirt again and leave the house, I could see people again. (I went to that meeting with bottle tops stuck in my bra so the nipple didn’t touch the fabric and saved me from walking through town topless)

For around 9 month I still needed to use the cup for my other boob as it would still poor like a fountain when she latched on one side and no pad would have been able to stop that amount of milk. (What you see in the picture)

After around 11 month I finally loved it, I loved every bit of it. It was easy, it was simple, it connected me to myself and my baby.

When people asked me how much longer I was planning to breastfeed (as tho it was time to stop that now) I felt so shocked. I felt like I just started. I fought so hard for it I wasn’t gonna stop any time soon.

I still have marks on my boobs from the constant swelling to double D but I feel so proud of myself when I look at them. It remind me on how much strength and patience I had.

I know it’s not always an easy path, mine would have been much simpler if I would have found the right help straight away.

It’s ok to ask for help, it’s ok to not get it right. But there are great woman out there with a lot of wisdom. My path was meant to be this way. It’s ok I grew stronger out of it.

Why am I writing this, because life is not all that happy as it looks form the outside. Because we all have our stories and it’s important to share that’s things don’t always happen the way we expect them.

And if I can just reach one woman with this fighting right now then I hope it will encourage her to find help if her wish is to breastfeed.

Breastfeeding should NOT hurt!!!